I have not shared much about how returning back to school has affected my motherhood and I am not entirely sure why. I think it is that – to them – nothing is really different. I have been able to schedule my classes during hours they are in school, and though I have one late night, it would be similar to me having to work late on occasion. I am also fortunate to have the support of my husband and my belle-mère (mother-in-law in French – sounds much nicer in French) so they are also there for them.
But for me, I realized that I am trying to make each time with each of my children count - even more so than if I was working and I think it's because, for most who work, you can leave your work at work. I cannot, no matter how many of my classes parallel with theirs, there will always be school coming home with me. Therefore, because now I am watching the clock much closer than before I am making a conscience effort to really spend quality time with my children.
With my pre-adolescent daughter I try to listen more.
I remember when my mom would get in one of hers moods and just go off at me. And I had to stand the entire (ENTIRE) time to hear/listen to her. After about 3 or 10 minutes I would feel dizzy and she would start to look funny to me. I would shut my eyes for a quick moment, shake and head and re-focus.
So...I realized that my daughter has been shaking her head and blinking a lot at me lately. So now I am trying to listen..to what she wants to say....and she actually has some interesting things to talk about. What she thinks about the election, her new friends, a book she is excited about, her interest to tape something for youtube (sigh). I am not saying I am able to do this with every encounter I have with her (HA) - but I am trying do less and sometimes I end up getting more.
With my middle son, my favorite part of day with him is no question the mornings, when we walk to his school together. Sometimes we play "I Spy"or we do number games. Right now we are discussing the progress of the re-building of a bridge near our home and finding the perfect autumn leaf. Once I even sang to him all of the Sesame Street songs I could remember. And sometimes we walk in silence just holding hands and stepping on the the dry orange leaves. I can still kiss him in front of his friends and wants to me wait until he walks with his class into the school before I go...and I do. It always puts me in a beautiful frame of mind as I head off to the bus stop to start my day at school.
And my baby still makes my heart burst when we see each other at the end of our day with his big, "MOMMY!" I can never get enough of that or matter how tried I am his hugs give me at least 45 minutes more. And I realize that I can get him to sleep faster in my arms than to keep telling him to stay in bed over and over again. So instead of being aggravated - I store up those nighttime cuddle moments - and study afterwards.
I also realize that, as I mentioned before, that me returning to school holds strong when I say I need to go for myself , there is no way I can deny to huge impact of my going to school has on my children , even if they do not see it now. They are my motivators and they keep me focused during the listening, walks, and cuddles.
Friday, October 17, 2008
Sunday, September 28, 2008
"Out" and not so Proud
I am being outed.
It's my second year of school and one of my greatest fears have is coming to past…and there is nothing I can do about it. First some background, as most of you know I am considerably older than most students on campus (though I just read an article that there are about 40% of older students - though hell if I know where they are!).
And for awhile I was wondering what exactly I was suppose to be learning in a classroom at this point in my life. Well – I think, I am not 100% sure, that aside from French and some dates and art techniques, I think I am suppose to be learning about myself…god does that sound cheesy? But really – I think so. How? Why? Because I though I knew my self pretty well at point. I have a job a campus that has me interact with students. At first I think they think that I am just a faculty member or a grad student perhaps. But later…these puzzle pieces of my life starts to show. I may have class with some of the students (she can't be a teacher if she is taking the same test I am?) – my co-workers, who do work for the university, will mention in front of the students how was the first day of school for my kids (you have kids?) –or someone will mention Flavor Flav and I ask them what's their favorite Public Enemy piece (PE? - no that's my next class – I am talking about Flavor of Love) stuff like that and yes I know I no longer look 23…ok 26. But they never knew for sure…keep them guessing.
The gig is up.
And I realized that I am uncomfortable with that. I have always been a behind the scene person and slowly I am being pushed out – I am not very comfortable with that. Because I am not comfortable being an older student. No disrespect or dishonor to those who have cheered and are supporting me along the way. But I am not very happy with this right now. I feel like an observer in my own life. Like am I acting, "And playing the role of the Older Student is Ena Gomez" - except I am not playing - it's real. Don't get me wrong – I am enjoying school and there is no where else I would rather be (well Paris comes to mind..) but really this is where I need to be physically and mentally - uncomfortable.
Discomfort causes change – growth – even when you don't want to – but especially when you need to. I have shared with a few people that for the past 12 years this is something that I am doing that stands alone. That I don't have to add – I am doing it for my family or my children or to better my economical state – and though all those reasons are valid and true - it is not necessary.
I am going to school – period.
And even though my mask is slowly crumbing before my very eyes – I trust I will learn to be comfortable with my identification as an Older Student and no matter how I far back in the class I try to sit there is no hiding…. Written, Produced, Directed, and Starring Ena
It's my second year of school and one of my greatest fears have is coming to past…and there is nothing I can do about it. First some background, as most of you know I am considerably older than most students on campus (though I just read an article that there are about 40% of older students - though hell if I know where they are!).
And for awhile I was wondering what exactly I was suppose to be learning in a classroom at this point in my life. Well – I think, I am not 100% sure, that aside from French and some dates and art techniques, I think I am suppose to be learning about myself…god does that sound cheesy? But really – I think so. How? Why? Because I though I knew my self pretty well at point. I have a job a campus that has me interact with students. At first I think they think that I am just a faculty member or a grad student perhaps. But later…these puzzle pieces of my life starts to show. I may have class with some of the students (she can't be a teacher if she is taking the same test I am?) – my co-workers, who do work for the university, will mention in front of the students how was the first day of school for my kids (you have kids?) –or someone will mention Flavor Flav and I ask them what's their favorite Public Enemy piece (PE? - no that's my next class – I am talking about Flavor of Love) stuff like that and yes I know I no longer look 23…ok 26. But they never knew for sure…keep them guessing.
The gig is up.
And I realized that I am uncomfortable with that. I have always been a behind the scene person and slowly I am being pushed out – I am not very comfortable with that. Because I am not comfortable being an older student. No disrespect or dishonor to those who have cheered and are supporting me along the way. But I am not very happy with this right now. I feel like an observer in my own life. Like am I acting, "And playing the role of the Older Student is Ena Gomez" - except I am not playing - it's real. Don't get me wrong – I am enjoying school and there is no where else I would rather be (well Paris comes to mind..) but really this is where I need to be physically and mentally - uncomfortable.
Discomfort causes change – growth – even when you don't want to – but especially when you need to. I have shared with a few people that for the past 12 years this is something that I am doing that stands alone. That I don't have to add – I am doing it for my family or my children or to better my economical state – and though all those reasons are valid and true - it is not necessary.
I am going to school – period.
And even though my mask is slowly crumbing before my very eyes – I trust I will learn to be comfortable with my identification as an Older Student and no matter how I far back in the class I try to sit there is no hiding…. Written, Produced, Directed, and Starring Ena
Are You Experienced?
Greetings All!
Yes I know it has been awhile since I have updated you on my college experiences. Sorry for the long delay..here it is....
Well, if you last remember, I last said that I would hope to have more changeling classes this semester...well ok maybe it will happen next semester. The one class that I fell in love with is my mythology class. LOVE IT! Now everything I see or do I relate to Zeus. And I am saying things like 'and lo' and 'alas' it my everyday speech...that and an art class are my only exceptions...the two that left rather frustrated (Music Cultures and Religion) where not as invigorating as I had hoped. My Religion class is more like a Starbucks chat room...a lot of stuff to think about but nothing that I am really learning.
Which led me to think - do I know everything? I mean - what really I am suppose to be learning or I am just seeking the BA to put on my resume and bump my salary? Sure I will learn a language (French next Fall) and I will know some dates and time periods about art history - but what am I expecting to walk out of KNOWING - that I have not learned from my (or my friends') experiences already? I am not dismissing the need (desire) for a college education nor am I saying I know everything - but I wonder what I am going to come out knowing that I did not experience/see/learn before? I think that is one (of the many) differences I am aware of as a 'Senior' on campus...that college is an experience but not for someone who already is experienced?...follow?
A few weeks ago some student threaten to do 'something' to the school on a particular day. The whole school was on lockdown. There was talk of snipers of the top of buildings - everyone needed to show ID..police were everywhere. I thought it was rather interesting listening to some students...quite a few were quite worried..some did not show - some classes were canceled. I not belittling the situation - especially nowadays (these times are a far cry from midnight bomb threats at a Freshman female Quad) - but more than a few times I heard students assume their safety on campus - even with the craziness that had happened on campuses just in the past year. Now maybe my East Oakland and DC living kicked in - but I was not fazed..I showed my ID let them check my bag I went on my merry way. Maybe this is an extreme example - but I refused to let someone freeze my world. (NOTE: they found/traced the person who wrote the threat...all I could think about was his parents - Damn - can you imagine that phone call?).
One of my teacher shared that the grades did not matter - that after she worked so hard to maintain her A average - no one asked her about that after she graduated. It did not make a difference in the jobs she sought or were offered. She reminded us to focus on the experience not the outcome (this is from my Religion class)...to remember that what we DO more than who we ARE (hey maybe I am learning something - or maybe just being reminded).
Anyway finals are coming up...I should be studying...See you in the Fall!
Ena (2nd Semester Freshman?)
P.S. But I was rewarded with a 2500.00 scholarship through the School of the Arts - very encouraging
Yes I know it has been awhile since I have updated you on my college experiences. Sorry for the long delay..here it is....
Well, if you last remember, I last said that I would hope to have more changeling classes this semester...well ok maybe it will happen next semester. The one class that I fell in love with is my mythology class. LOVE IT! Now everything I see or do I relate to Zeus. And I am saying things like 'and lo' and 'alas' it my everyday speech...that and an art class are my only exceptions...the two that left rather frustrated (Music Cultures and Religion) where not as invigorating as I had hoped. My Religion class is more like a Starbucks chat room...a lot of stuff to think about but nothing that I am really learning.
Which led me to think - do I know everything? I mean - what really I am suppose to be learning or I am just seeking the BA to put on my resume and bump my salary? Sure I will learn a language (French next Fall) and I will know some dates and time periods about art history - but what am I expecting to walk out of KNOWING - that I have not learned from my (or my friends') experiences already? I am not dismissing the need (desire) for a college education nor am I saying I know everything - but I wonder what I am going to come out knowing that I did not experience/see/learn before? I think that is one (of the many) differences I am aware of as a 'Senior' on campus...that college is an experience but not for someone who already is experienced?...follow?
A few weeks ago some student threaten to do 'something' to the school on a particular day. The whole school was on lockdown. There was talk of snipers of the top of buildings - everyone needed to show ID..police were everywhere. I thought it was rather interesting listening to some students...quite a few were quite worried..some did not show - some classes were canceled. I not belittling the situation - especially nowadays (these times are a far cry from midnight bomb threats at a Freshman female Quad) - but more than a few times I heard students assume their safety on campus - even with the craziness that had happened on campuses just in the past year. Now maybe my East Oakland and DC living kicked in - but I was not fazed..I showed my ID let them check my bag I went on my merry way. Maybe this is an extreme example - but I refused to let someone freeze my world. (NOTE: they found/traced the person who wrote the threat...all I could think about was his parents - Damn - can you imagine that phone call?).
One of my teacher shared that the grades did not matter - that after she worked so hard to maintain her A average - no one asked her about that after she graduated. It did not make a difference in the jobs she sought or were offered. She reminded us to focus on the experience not the outcome (this is from my Religion class)...to remember that what we DO more than who we ARE (hey maybe I am learning something - or maybe just being reminded).
Anyway finals are coming up...I should be studying...See you in the Fall!
Ena (2nd Semester Freshman?)
P.S. But I was rewarded with a 2500.00 scholarship through the School of the Arts - very encouraging
Why didn't I do this sooner?
Greetings All!
Well I am 1/2 through my first semester at MSU and I must say - this college thing is not so bad! I am doing well in my classes (3)....and hope to take at least 1 or 2 more next semester.
One great highlight is that a got a job a campus (so I can never be late for classes now). It's a Student Assistant position in the Center for Career Services & Community Based Learning (imagine saying THAT every time the phone rings). Anyway I am part of a 12 or so member team creating a Leadership Minor for the University! So far it is a great experience...and you know how I got this...my experience!! Crazy! For the longest time I never considered my resume to be "impressive" that's what my soon-to-be Supervisor thought and said I would be better suited for this job rather than the one I originally applied for. It was a very validating!! It feels good.
In other news I hope my classes are a bit more challenging - most of my professors are used to teaching 19 - 20 year olds and I can really tell - so sometimes I get easily bored in class discussions. Hopefully my professors next year will be a bit more engaging for me. Though I am enjoying school I do feel a sense of isolation. I t is hard to get to know the other students when you have a considerable age gap (most think I 'm a Professor or a Grad student - natural) My co-workers are cool but it's a different relationship. When I see couples I wish my husband could meet me after class and walk me across the yard - silly stuff like that! (I told him I would have to get a campus boyfriend). I have been doing some reminiscing. Like I wish one of you were in my classes so we can talk or at least sit next to each other.....sigh - it will come - or maybe it shouldn't - I need to focus! Otherwise - all is good for the first semester.
Oh I will be changing my major to Art History -which I LOVE! I though a should be some Social Service field because it is what I have been doing -what I realized are two things: I am a better volunteer (my heart will always be in community activism) - but I don't want to work it in anymore and I don't have time to waste in studies I don't get excited about.
Anyway all my love,
Ena
3.5 (4.0?) GPA
One of my counselors told me not to always focus on GPA..ha...I'm trying to get a scholarship - they don't give scholarships to 2.0s!
Well I am 1/2 through my first semester at MSU and I must say - this college thing is not so bad! I am doing well in my classes (3)....and hope to take at least 1 or 2 more next semester.
One great highlight is that a got a job a campus (so I can never be late for classes now). It's a Student Assistant position in the Center for Career Services & Community Based Learning (imagine saying THAT every time the phone rings). Anyway I am part of a 12 or so member team creating a Leadership Minor for the University! So far it is a great experience...and you know how I got this...my experience!! Crazy! For the longest time I never considered my resume to be "impressive" that's what my soon-to-be Supervisor thought and said I would be better suited for this job rather than the one I originally applied for. It was a very validating!! It feels good.
In other news I hope my classes are a bit more challenging - most of my professors are used to teaching 19 - 20 year olds and I can really tell - so sometimes I get easily bored in class discussions. Hopefully my professors next year will be a bit more engaging for me. Though I am enjoying school I do feel a sense of isolation. I t is hard to get to know the other students when you have a considerable age gap (most think I 'm a Professor or a Grad student - natural) My co-workers are cool but it's a different relationship. When I see couples I wish my husband could meet me after class and walk me across the yard - silly stuff like that! (I told him I would have to get a campus boyfriend). I have been doing some reminiscing. Like I wish one of you were in my classes so we can talk or at least sit next to each other.....sigh - it will come - or maybe it shouldn't - I need to focus! Otherwise - all is good for the first semester.
Oh I will be changing my major to Art History -which I LOVE! I though a should be some Social Service field because it is what I have been doing -what I realized are two things: I am a better volunteer (my heart will always be in community activism) - but I don't want to work it in anymore and I don't have time to waste in studies I don't get excited about.
Anyway all my love,
Ena
3.5 (4.0?) GPA
One of my counselors told me not to always focus on GPA..ha...I'm trying to get a scholarship - they don't give scholarships to 2.0s!
Class in Session
Confessions of a 37 Year Old Freshman
As some of you may know I have re-entered the college world! I am a student at Montclair State University and though I am excited - it is very weird and surreal. At first I thought that I would look very old with my Trapper Keeper folder and blue BIC pen - but actually are most students are still writing with a pen..unless they are texting someone (I thought I would be in a room full of Macs and me with my Acabus). And there are a few faces in my class that are too beyond their 20s. So far I am enjoying my classes (its only been 2 weeks) and I am already ahead in my reading assignments..again it's only been 2 weeks.Of course as I shared with my husband and daughter - getting in is the easy part - finishing is something different. And that honestly scares me - part of me is thinking what is a world am I doing and what opportunities lie ahead. Really. This is all a head game and I am really being optimistic - just sometimes a little anxiety sets in. Just keeping it real.I just want to thank everyone for their support...Everyone from my Dads (Mr. Gomez & Mr. Pierce) and Moms (Ms. Pierce, Ms. Gomez, & Ms. McPherson), to my friends who keep writing me recommendations (I have paid you well) to Kenny (aka "Not the Mommy but get used to it"), and my daughter (who told me I should be a doctor) - everyone thank you for believing in me ...it's going to be a long ride.
Student
As some of you may know I have re-entered the college world! I am a student at Montclair State University and though I am excited - it is very weird and surreal. At first I thought that I would look very old with my Trapper Keeper folder and blue BIC pen - but actually are most students are still writing with a pen..unless they are texting someone (I thought I would be in a room full of Macs and me with my Acabus). And there are a few faces in my class that are too beyond their 20s. So far I am enjoying my classes (its only been 2 weeks) and I am already ahead in my reading assignments..again it's only been 2 weeks.Of course as I shared with my husband and daughter - getting in is the easy part - finishing is something different. And that honestly scares me - part of me is thinking what is a world am I doing and what opportunities lie ahead. Really. This is all a head game and I am really being optimistic - just sometimes a little anxiety sets in. Just keeping it real.I just want to thank everyone for their support...Everyone from my Dads (Mr. Gomez & Mr. Pierce) and Moms (Ms. Pierce, Ms. Gomez, & Ms. McPherson), to my friends who keep writing me recommendations (I have paid you well) to Kenny (aka "Not the Mommy but get used to it"), and my daughter (who told me I should be a doctor) - everyone thank you for believing in me ...it's going to be a long ride.
Student
Welcome!
OK...so a few friends of mine had asked,"So have you ever thought of creating a blog?"
Hmmm...no not really. But the idea was intriguing - so after putting my 3 year old down for a nap..and with the laptop just staring at me - I thought..why not?
So - here it goes....
I will share with you my feelings/encounters/experiences/thoughts as mother of three in a new state going to college (again) as an undergrad.
I hope you find this of interest (or at least of some humorous & thoughtful distraction).
For the friends who encouraged me to put my innermost feelings for everyone to view.....I guess you are never too old for peer pressure!
Hmmm...no not really. But the idea was intriguing - so after putting my 3 year old down for a nap..and with the laptop just staring at me - I thought..why not?
So - here it goes....
I will share with you my feelings/encounters/experiences/thoughts as mother of three in a new state going to college (again) as an undergrad.
I hope you find this of interest (or at least of some humorous & thoughtful distraction).
For the friends who encouraged me to put my innermost feelings for everyone to view.....I guess you are never too old for peer pressure!
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