"Out" and not so Proud

I am being outed.

It's my second year of school and one of my greatest fears have is coming to past…and there is nothing I can do about it. First some background, as most of you know I am considerably older than most students on campus (though I just read an article that there are about 40% of older students - though hell if I know where they are!).

And for awhile I was wondering what exactly I was suppose to be learning in a classroom at this point in my life. Well – I think, I am not 100% sure, that aside from French and some dates and art techniques, I think I am suppose to be learning about myself…god does that sound cheesy? But really – I think so. How? Why? Because I though I knew my self pretty well at point. I have a job a campus that has me interact with students. At first I think they think that I am just a faculty member or a grad student perhaps. But later…these puzzle pieces of my life starts to show. I may have class with some of the students (she can't be a teacher if she is taking the same test I am?) – my co-workers, who do work for the university, will mention in front of the students how was the first day of school for my kids (you have kids?) –or someone will mention Flavor Flav and I ask them what's their favorite Public Enemy piece (PE? - no that's my next class – I am talking about Flavor of Love) stuff like that and yes I know I no longer look 23…ok 26. But they never knew for sure…keep them guessing.

The gig is up.


And I realized that I am uncomfortable with that. I have always been a behind the scene person and slowly I am being pushed out – I am not very comfortable with that. Because I am not comfortable being an older student. No disrespect or dishonor to those who have cheered and are supporting me along the way. But I am not very happy with this right now. I feel like an observer in my own life. Like am I acting, "And playing the role of the Older Student is Ena Gomez" - except I am not playing - it's real. Don't get me wrong – I am enjoying school and there is no where else I would rather be (well Paris comes to mind..) but really this is where I need to be physically and mentally - uncomfortable.

Discomfort causes change – growth – even when you don't want to – but especially when you need to. I have shared with a few people that for the past 12 years this is something that I am doing that stands alone. That I don't have to add – I am doing it for my family or my children or to better my economical state – and though all those reasons are valid and true - it is not necessary.

I am going to school – period.


And even though my mask is slowly crumbing before my very eyes – I trust I will learn to be comfortable with my identification as an Older Student and no matter how I far back in the class I try to sit there is no hiding…. Written, Produced, Directed, and Starring Ena